the way we say things we don’t really mean
One of the most confounding habits I’ve witnessed, and slowly accepted and adopted here in America, is the way people tend to speak empty words.
While taking a customer’s order at work, the question, “How are you?” floats between us like a promising connection, only to dissipate when it is trampled by, “I’m fine, thanks. Can I get uhh…”
In the checkout at a grocery store, someone makes a comment about it being taco night—a futile attempt at filling the silence between them and the cashier.
Asking, “How are you?” doesn’t mean that we expect a hint of their going-ons, much less a full exposé on their current state of being. It’s spoken like a greeting—“How are you? (Hello)”, “How have you been? (Good to see you)” or “How’s it going? (Hey there)”—with little regard for an honest response.
Once, I unintentionally broke this social code and responded truthfully to the how of my being. “I’m honestly so tired,” I said to the customer, who was mid-thought, mouth gaping and ready to give their order. “I’ve been on my feet all day and I’m ready to go home”.
It was like breaking the fourth wall. Like I’d chosen a custom answer instead of my assigned NPC dialogue. His awkward laugh and nod made me realize that he was simply saying, “How are you”, and not asking, “How are you?”
The reality is that there is scarcely any care for the details of a stranger’s day or what they’ll be up to next weekend or why they seem a bit under the weather. We utter empty inquiries into each other’s lives and then move on, as there was never any intention to share or listen in the first place.
Though there are appropriate times for pleasantries and small talk, it’s quite curious how we’ve fit these mannerisms into our everyday conversations.
I’ve even seen this occur between friends, where shallow exchanges fill the bulk of the chat and nothing is gained or lost by the end of it all.
Of course, the sharing of our intimate thoughts and deep woes should be for the people around us who know and care for us. But the silent consensus to dodge genuine conversation—or the failure to just say what we mean—and to instead get by on empty gestures is somewhat bizarre.
In most cases, a “How are you?” is just a misleading “Hello”.
But if you mean it, and have time to spare, perhaps you can ask, “How are you, really?”
